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Showing posts with label Top. Show all posts
Sure, we all want to create culinary masterpieces in our kitchen (to impress the ladies), but if you follow these TV cooking show recipes, you're more likely to inspire vomiting.
Rachael Ray's Late-Night Bacon
Ingredients
8 slices bacon
Directions
Place 2 sheets of paper towel on a microwave safe plate, lay the bacon out on the paper towel not overlapping the slices. Place 2 more sheets of paper towel on top. Place in the microwave on high for 4 to 6 minutes.
That's the whole recipe. I'm serious. Apparently if you're craving bacon at three in the morning, getting a freaking pan out is too much work. Protip: eating microwaved bacon makes you the worst kind of living human garbage trash.
Paula Deen's English Peas
Ingredients
1/4 cup (1/2 stick) butter
2 cans (14 1/2-ounces) English peas, drained
Directions
Melt the butter in small pot and add the peas. Cook over medium heat until peas are warm.
Yes. That's it. If there was any way to encapsulate the Platonic ideal of Paula Deen's horrible cooking, it would be: take canned food. Put in butter. Eat. How is she still mobile? When you cook like this, you have to be removed from your house by a crane.
Robin Miller's Carrot Ginger Salad
Ingredients
2 cups pre-shredded carrots
3 tablespoons storebought ginger dressing
Directions
In a small bowl, combine carrots and ginger dressing. Mix well to combine.
Okay, I know the show is "Quick Fix Meals," but this is going a little too far. Putting storebought dressing on carrots isn't a "recipe." It's a cry for help.
Paula Deen's Deep Fried Stuffing On A Stick
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| "Make the stuffing form a log shape around the popsicle stick, leaving 2-inches of the stick exposed for the handle. This should look somewhat like a lumpy corn dog." I have a feeling that Paula Deen is going to show up on this list an awful lot - nobody else on the Food Network would dare to try a recipe this disgusting, basically looking like somebody pooped on a Popsicle. Here's the recipe. |
Sandra Lee's Kwanzaa Cake
Sandra Lee is maybe the most demented cook to have her own Food Network show. All she does is take store-bought crap, mash it together, and give it stupid names. In this case, a Wegman's angel food cake, some frosting, Corn Nuts, and wow! We have Kwanzaa!
Gina Neely's Shrimp Corn Dogs
Insert a wooden pop stick into the middle of each shrimp ball and form the ground shrimp into a shape similar to a hot dog.
Let's continue on with the "gross junk on a stick" theme with this recipe from the usually-dependable Neelys. Every chef gets a misfire now and then, and these shrimp corndogs were notable - the best part of the episode where they were presented is the fact that the show's normally ravenous eaters each took a single tiny, polite bite and put them down, never to be discussed again.
Let's continue on with the "gross junk on a stick" theme with this recipe from the usually-dependable Neelys. Every chef gets a misfire now and then, and these shrimp corndogs were notable - the best part of the episode where they were presented is the fact that the show's normally ravenous eaters each took a single tiny, polite bite and put them down, never to be discussed again.
Sandra Lee's Sensuous Chocolate Truffles
Ingredients
1 (16-ounce) container chocolate frosting
3/4 cup powdered sugar, sifted
1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
1/2 cup unsweetened cocoa powder
1 (16-ounce) container chocolate frosting
3/4 cup powdered sugar, sifted
1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
1/2 cup unsweetened cocoa powder
Okay, forgive me if I'm mistaken, but my dictionary defines truffles as a carefully-crafted chocolate confection that is usually spherical or round, coated in ganache or cocoa powder. These Sandra Lee disasters look - well, they look like dog crap.
Can you really imagine serving these to somebody, especially somebody you're looking to get "sensuous" with? "Hey, you're a foxy lady, let's eat some cold frosting!"
Rachael Ray's Pineapple Wedges
Ingredients
1 whole ripe pineapple
1 whole ripe pineapple
This recipe is literally "Cut up a pineapple." How do you get paid for that? Are we as Americans so dumb that we don't know how to disassemble a fruit anymore? Don't answer that, I know we are. We have to be told to go outside, for God's sake. I mesn, this probably tastes good because there's only one ingredient and she didn't cook it, but whatever.
Ellie Krieger's Sloppy Joes
If you go to the Food Network website and find the recipe for Ellie Krieger's Sloppy Joes, you'll find a pretty standard recipe - ground beef, diced onions, the usual. But that's not the original recipe. Before the site changed it, Krieger's Sloppy Joe started with a McDonalds Big Mac.
In some bizarre recycling process, Krieger finely chopped a gross McDonalds burger and transformed it into filling for a Sloppy Joe. Why? Nobody knows, and when the Internet noticed the recipe, the network pulled it. Luckily I took a screenshot!
In some bizarre recycling process, Krieger finely chopped a gross McDonalds burger and transformed it into filling for a Sloppy Joe. Why? Nobody knows, and when the Internet noticed the recipe, the network pulled it. Luckily I took a screenshot!
Paula Deen's Cheesy Ham & Banana Casserole
Ingredients
Butter
12 slices white bread
Butter
12 slices white bread
I cut the rest of the ingredients because do you really need to know more about this atrocity? It's a lumberjack nightmare of ham, bananas, crushed potato chips and the eternal weeping of Paula Deen's arteriosclerotic heart. If you make this for your family, that is child abuse and you are a child abuser. Somebody needs to stop Paula Deen before she kills again.
Sandra Lee's Meat Wad
It's kind of unfair to pick on Sandra Lee, because she's obviously sort of mentally disadvantaged but has nice tits. But how could you, a responsible producer of a televised cooking program, let... whatever this is... come out of the oven?
Rachael Ray's Rouladen
Ingredients
1 package dumpling mix, (recommended: Panni brand) available on International Foods aisle
4 slices bacon...
Rouladen is a German specialty consisting of thinly-sliced beef wrapped around bacon, onions and pickles, then cooked. It's somewhat of an acquired taste (like a lot of German food), but that didn't stop Rachael Ray!
Her take on the rouladen has the most disgusting photograph I've ever seen in a food context. It honestly looks like something a small dog left on the floor. Just imagine lifting a bite of this slimy gray-brown meat to your mouth and despair.
Simply Sara's Taco Cups
It's not really fair to hold Simply Sara up to the standards of professional TV chefs, but considering her end goal is to take a place in those lofty ranks, she might want to step up her game a little bit.
Perhaps the worst recipe to ever be called "Mexican," these offensive minglings of beans, biscuits and mounds of cheese are not only unhealthy, but unappetizing as well.
Sandra Lee's Broccoli Pie
It might seem unfair to pick on Sandra Lee so much, but her food is just from such an alien hell dimension where up is down and left is right that each dish is worse than the last. This particularly egregious example takes broccoli, one of the best of the vegetables, and lards it up with cream cheese to make a "pie" that is an insult to the term.
The best thing is, since this recipe was posted she's actually made another broccoli pie, "improved" with... wait for it... ranch dressing. Oof.
Bethenny Frankel's Boo Boo Banana Bread |
If you're an avid watcher of reality TV, you might recognize the square-headed Bethenny Frankel from Bravo's horrid Real Housewives Of New York City, where she pals around with a number of similarly worthless Big Apple bimbos. But Bethenny has ambitions - she wants to be a food pioneer.
With recipes like this one, however, where she tells you to just go ahead and put whatever you want into her banana bread because actually writing down a recipe was too hard. She doesn't even tell you what temperature to cook it at!
Bobby Flay's Braciola
Ingredients
2 store bought braciola (skewered flank steak stuffed with bacon and parsley)
Olive oil
Directions
2 store bought braciola (skewered flank steak stuffed with bacon and parsley)
Olive oil
Directions
Preheat a grill to high. Brush braciola generously with olive oil and grill until steak is cooked to a medium doneness, turning skewers over halfway through cooking. Remove from grill and let rest for a couple minutes before serving.
Bobby Flay is kind of a tool, but at least he knows how to cook. Or does he? If you were going off of this recipe, you'd be correct in thinking that all he does is buy stuff from the store and throw it at some fire.
Paula Deen's Snow Ice Cream
Ingredients
8 cups snow, or shaved ice
1 (14-ounce) can sweetened condensed milk
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
Directions
8 cups snow, or shaved ice
1 (14-ounce) can sweetened condensed milk
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
Directions
Place snow or shaved ice into a large bowl. Pour condensed milk over and add vanilla. Mix to combine. Serve immediately in bowls.
"Hey, y'all! Why don'cha goo outside, pick something up off the ground and feed it to your family!"
Jessica Cuff's Tobacco Cupcakes
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So this may be seen as cheating, given that it was a dish that was cooked by a contestant on a Food TV game show and not a network-endorsed chef, but you know what: it's gross. When Jessica Cuff was challenged to make a cupcake that would impress Cake Boss star Duff Goldman, she decided to empty a pack of Malboros into her cake batter and present tobacco cupcakes. The judges, naturally, were pretyt grossed out by the whole ordeal, but amazingly Cuff went on to win the episode!
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It was inevitable that we would have to end with Paula Deen. No other human being makes nearly as much absolutely horrifying food as the Georgia-born purveyor of diabetic coma-inducing trash. This meal is the culmination of everything Deen - fat, sugar and bad taste in one sandwich. Enjoy!
Live Crab Vending Machine
Sometimes you’ll be out there on the go, too busy for the drive-thru, and you’ve just got to have a Shanghai Hairy Crab. This happens to me practically every other day. As a busy career-woman, I appreciate China’s live crab vending machines. They keep my live crabs at a snack-perfect 41 degrees Fahrenheit, which is cold enough to make them pass out so I can eat their legs one at a time without them doing that crab squeak-bitching they do. Plus, if your crab should be dead when you get it out of the slot, you get three free crabs! PINCH me, I’m dreaming!
Clamshell iPhone
I love the iPhone, except for two problems: it is not a flip-phone, and it does not have enough lead to erase my memories. Enter China. In China, they don’t really care about trademarks. That’s why Company X can make these rip-offs, complete with the glowing Apple logo. Sure, this clamshell iPhone doesn’t have a touchscreen, but it can display both the time and the ID of your caller at the same time, and also you can talk at the same time. All at the same time! I’m pretty sure this is what Chairman Mao had in mind with the Great Leap Forward.
Top Charming Boob Embiggener
Ladies, you’ve got to step your tat game up. The small-breasted Chinese can help you rectify this problem with the Top Charming, a vibrating breast stimulator. According to Chinese doctors looking for a way to get their shy and giggling Asian wives to let them get to second base during their weekly foot binding, vibrating the breast makes it grow up to two sizes bigger. Watch this video to understand the science!
The Vii 2
Don’t Chinese people deserve to spend $200 on a Nintendo console that will start gathering dust in a week? Thanks to the Vii, they kind of can. Since American-style fun is illegal in China, they have to come up with their own game consoles. They did an awesome job with the Vii, so they came back with a sequel, the Vii 2. This time, it has a “porwer button” directly on the controller. The Vii 2 also has motion detection (sort of), but it can’t understand pointing. You can, however, play up to fifteen different games on it, including Alacrity Golf and Brave Kaka.
Goojje
Google and China don’t always get along. First, there was some kind of problem about them not wanting to comply with China censoring anything bad the internet has to say about China. To sum up, if you are reading this now in China, the secret Asian men are on their way to your pod hotel to harmonize you to death. So China answered with Goojje, a search engine that encourages the people of the Citizen’s Republic of China to comply with the rules Happy Father Government has created for their benefit. Unfortunately, it looks exactly like Google, so much so that Google sent them a cease and desist. But to review, China does not care about copyright and such, so short of a trademark-fueled World War III Goojje (“Goojje it, loneliness all eliminated”) will live on. Visit Goojje.com and just try to get a search result for anything dirty.
iPed
An iPad with a USB port, webcam, and expandable money for $140? In China, all magic is possible! Except it’s called the iPed (creator: Orphan Electronics) and might electrocute you. There are dozens of iPad knock-offs in China, but I like this one the best because it reminds me someday that Apple will come out with a machine that can give me a pedicure. I don’t like strangers touching my feet, but robots are never strangers for long.
i-dong
You guys, seriously, this is what this thing is seriously called. Since the Chinese have censored internet they don’t know a lot of euphemisms for privates, and this is what ends up happening for our American amusement. The i-dong is actually a Kinect/Move hybrid that uses Move-like controllers to interact with a Kinect-ish sensor bar. It can be used to play what appear to be N64-quality games on the TV or PC. And it costs like $225 US! Poor Chinese citizens.
PS One Handheld Game Player
I’ve seen Chinese handhelds that can play 8- and 16-bit roms, but I’m psyched about this third party PSP rip-off’s ability to play original Playstation games. Wait, you can play PS1 games on the actual PSP? Just as illegally as on this thing if you so desire? And this costs $77? And is super-slow? Mmm, no thanks. I’ll just go to Gamestop and offer $30 to the kid about to trade his PSP in for $25. Hustlin’ children, teachin’ them lessons.
“Louis Vuitton” Belt Buckle Phone
No, internet, this is not real. Even though Louis Vuitton agreed to let Ludacris cover his car with their logo in one of those Fast and Furious movies, they are not tacky enough to make this. Featuring a cell phone from 1998 plus a camera, the Louis Vuitton belt is the ultimate for cool doods who attach their phones to their belts (e.g., that Indian guy who owns the Subway on the corner). I don’t know what to make of this, but the Chinese website m8cool seems to be in the know: “is the mule is a horse-drawn out yo.” Couldn’t have set it better myself, Google Translate.
Ebox
It’s nice that video game consoles are banned in China, because necessity is the mother of invention. Magical inventions like the Ebox, which is actually being made by legitimate PC company Lenovo. Two reasons this will be a failure: it comes bundled with thirty games, and it is being made in China. Company president Jack Luo brags: “EBox may not have exquisite game graphics, or extensive violence, but it can inspire family members to get off the couch and get some exercise.” I guess rolling around desperately trying to wipe exploding battery acid off of your skin will burn a few calories.
21 Foot Tall Robot Baby
Honey, I blew up the kid! This 21 foot tall robotic infant, conceived by a Spaniard but given birth to in China in hopes that it can crawl over the mountains of Tibet and suffocate the Dalai Lama in the recesses of its mecha-diaper, can breathe, blink, and, according to the press release, “dream.” It is dreaming about liquidating your corpse, pouring you into a baby bottle, and heating you to the perfect temperature--which it will then test by squirting you onto its own wrist.
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