Top 11 AwfulHilarious Chinese Technology

Live Crab Vending Machine

Sometimes you’ll be out there on the go, too busy for the drive-thru, and you’ve just got to have a Shanghai Hairy Crab. This happens to me practically every other day. As a busy career-woman, I appreciate China’s live crab vending machines. They keep my live crabs at a snack-perfect 41 degrees Fahrenheit, which is cold enough to make them pass out so I can eat their legs one at a time without them doing that crab squeak-bitching they do. Plus, if your crab should be dead when you get it out of the slot, you get three free crabs! PINCH me, I’m dreaming!

Clamshell iPhone

I love the iPhone, except for two problems: it is not a flip-phone, and it does not have enough lead to erase my memories. Enter China. In China, they don’t really care about trademarks. That’s why Company X can make these rip-offs, complete with the glowing Apple logo. Sure, this clamshell iPhone doesn’t have a touchscreen, but it can display both the time and the ID of your caller at the same time, and also you can talk at the same time. All at the same time! I’m pretty sure this is what Chairman Mao had in mind with the Great Leap Forward.
Top Charming Boob Embiggener

Ladies, you’ve got to step your tat game up. The small-breasted Chinese can help you rectify this problem with the Top Charming, a vibrating breast stimulator. According to Chinese doctors looking for a way to get their shy and giggling Asian wives to let them get to second base during their weekly foot binding, vibrating the breast makes it grow up to two sizes bigger. Watch this video to understand the science!
The Vii 2

Don’t Chinese people deserve to spend $200 on a Nintendo console that will start gathering dust in a week? Thanks to the Vii, they kind of can. Since American-style fun is illegal in China, they have to come up with their own game consoles. They did an awesome job with the Vii, so they came back with a sequel, the Vii 2. This time, it has a “porwer button” directly on the controller. The Vii 2 also has motion detection (sort of), but it can’t understand pointing. You can, however, play up to fifteen different games on it, including Alacrity Golf and Brave Kaka.

Google and China don’t always get along. First, there was some kind of problem about them not wanting to comply with China censoring anything bad the internet has to say about China. To sum up, if you are reading this now in China, the secret Asian men are on their way to your pod hotel to harmonize you to death. So China answered with Goojje, a search engine that encourages the people of the Citizen’s Republic of China to comply with the rules Happy Father Government has created for their benefit. Unfortunately, it looks exactly like Google, so much so that Google sent them a cease and desist. But to review, China does not care about copyright and such, so short of a trademark-fueled World War III Goojje (“Goojje it, loneliness all eliminated”) will live on. Visit and just try to get a search result for anything dirty.

An iPad with a USB port, webcam, and expandable money for $140? In China, all magic is possible! Except it’s called the iPed (creator: Orphan Electronics) and might electrocute you. There are dozens of iPad knock-offs in China, but I like this one the best because it reminds me someday that Apple will come out with a machine that can give me a pedicure. I don’t like strangers touching my feet, but robots are never strangers for long.

You guys, seriously, this is what this thing is seriously called. Since the Chinese have censored internet they don’t know a lot of euphemisms for privates, and this is what ends up happening for our American amusement. The i-dong is actually a Kinect/Move hybrid that uses Move-like controllers to interact with a Kinect-ish sensor bar. It can be used to play what appear to be N64-quality games on the TV or PC. And it costs like $225 US! Poor Chinese citizens.
PS One Handheld Game Player

I’ve seen Chinese handhelds that can play 8- and 16-bit roms, but I’m psyched about this third party PSP rip-off’s ability to play original Playstation games. Wait, you can play PS1 games on the actual PSP? Just as illegally as on this thing if you so desire? And this costs $77? And is super-slow? Mmm, no thanks. I’ll just go to Gamestop and offer $30 to the kid about to trade his PSP in for $25. Hustlin’ children, teachin’ them lessons.
“Louis Vuitton” Belt Buckle Phone

No, internet, this is not real. Even though Louis Vuitton agreed to let Ludacris cover his car with their logo in one of those Fast and Furious movies, they are not tacky enough to make this. Featuring a cell phone from 1998 plus a camera, the Louis Vuitton belt is the ultimate for cool doods who attach their phones to their belts (e.g., that Indian guy who owns the Subway on the corner). I don’t know what to make of this, but the Chinese website m8cool seems to be in the know: “is the mule is a horse-drawn out yo.” Couldn’t have set it better myself, Google Translate.

It’s nice that video game consoles are banned in China, because necessity is the mother of invention. Magical inventions like the Ebox, which is actually being made by legitimate PC company Lenovo. Two reasons this will be a failure: it comes bundled with thirty games, and it is being made in China. Company president Jack Luo brags: “EBox may not have exquisite game graphics, or extensive violence, but it can inspire family members to get off the couch and get some exercise.” I guess rolling around desperately trying to wipe exploding battery acid off of your skin will burn a few calories.
21 Foot Tall Robot Baby

Honey, I blew up the kid! This 21 foot tall robotic infant, conceived by a Spaniard but given birth to in China in hopes that it can crawl over the mountains of Tibet and suffocate the Dalai Lama in the recesses of its mecha-diaper, can breathe, blink, and, according to the press release, “dream.” It is dreaming about liquidating your corpse, pouring you into a baby bottle, and heating you to the perfect temperature--which it will then test by squirting you onto its own wrist.