Cooking Show Recipes!!!!!!!!!

Sure, we all want to create culinary masterpieces in our kitchen (to impress the ladies), but if you follow these TV cooking show recipes, you're more likely to inspire vomiting.
Rachael Ray's Late-Night Bacon

8 slices bacon


Place 2 sheets of paper towel on a microwave safe plate, lay the bacon out on the paper towel not overlapping the slices. Place 2 more sheets of paper towel on top. Place in the microwave on high for 4 to 6 minutes.

That's the whole recipe. I'm serious. Apparently if you're craving bacon at three in the morning, getting a freaking pan out is too much work. Protip: eating microwaved bacon makes you the worst kind of living human garbage trash.
Paula Deen's English Peas

1/4 cup (1/2 stick) butter
2 cans (14 1/2-ounces) English peas, drained


Melt the butter in small pot and add the peas. Cook over medium heat until peas are warm.

Yes. That's it. If there was any way to encapsulate the Platonic ideal of Paula Deen's horrible cooking, it would be: take canned food. Put in butter. Eat. How is she still mobile? When you cook like this, you have to be removed from your house by a crane.

Robin Miller's Carrot Ginger Salad

2 cups pre-shredded carrots
3 tablespoons storebought ginger dressing


In a small bowl, combine carrots and ginger dressing. Mix well to combine.

Okay, I know the show is "Quick Fix Meals," but this is going a little too far. Putting storebought dressing on carrots isn't a "recipe." It's a cry for help.
Paula Deen's Deep Fried Stuffing On A Stick
"Make the stuffing form a log shape around the popsicle stick, leaving 2-inches of the stick exposed for the handle. This should look somewhat like a lumpy corn dog."

I have a feeling that Paula Deen is going to show up on this list an awful lot - nobody else on the Food Network would dare to try a recipe this disgusting, basically looking like somebody pooped on a Popsicle. Here's the recipe.
Sandra Lee's Kwanzaa Cake
Sandra Lee is maybe the most demented cook to have her own Food Network show. All she does is take store-bought crap, mash it together, and give it stupid names. In this case, a Wegman's angel food cake, some frosting, Corn Nuts, and wow! We have Kwanzaa!
Gina Neely's Shrimp Corn Dogs
Insert a wooden pop stick into the middle of each shrimp ball and form the ground shrimp into a shape similar to a hot dog.
Let's continue on with the "gross junk on a stick" theme with this recipe from the usually-dependable Neelys. Every chef gets a misfire now and then, and these shrimp corndogs were notable - the best part of the episode where they were presented is the fact that the show's normally ravenous eaters each took a single tiny, polite bite and put them down, never to be discussed again.
Sandra Lee's Sensuous Chocolate Truffles

1 (16-ounce) container chocolate frosting
3/4 cup powdered sugar, sifted
1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
1/2 cup unsweetened cocoa powder
Okay, forgive me if I'm mistaken, but my dictionary defines truffles as a carefully-crafted chocolate confection that is usually spherical or round, coated in ganache or cocoa powder. These Sandra Lee disasters look - well, they look like dog crap.
Can you really imagine serving these to somebody, especially somebody you're looking to get "sensuous" with? "Hey, you're a foxy lady, let's eat some cold frosting!"
Rachael Ray's Pineapple Wedges

1 whole ripe pineapple
This recipe is literally "Cut up a pineapple." How do you get paid for that? Are we as Americans so dumb that we don't know how to disassemble a fruit anymore? Don't answer that, I know we are. We have to be told to go outside, for God's sake. I mesn, this probably tastes good because there's only one ingredient and she didn't cook it, but whatever.
Ellie Krieger's Sloppy Joes
If you go to the Food Network website and find the recipe for Ellie Krieger's Sloppy Joes, you'll find a pretty standard recipe - ground beef, diced onions, the usual. But that's not the original recipe. Before the site changed it, Krieger's Sloppy Joe started with a McDonalds Big Mac.
In some bizarre recycling process, Krieger finely chopped a gross McDonalds burger and transformed it into filling for a Sloppy Joe. Why? Nobody knows, and when the Internet noticed the recipe, the network pulled it. Luckily I took a screenshot!
Paula Deen's Cheesy Ham & Banana Casserole

12 slices white bread
I cut the rest of the ingredients because do you really need to know more about this atrocity? It's a lumberjack nightmare of ham, bananas, crushed potato chips and the eternal weeping of Paula Deen's arteriosclerotic heart. If you make this for your family, that is child abuse and you are a child abuser. Somebody needs to stop Paula Deen before she kills again.

Sandra Lee's Meat Wad

It's kind of unfair to pick on Sandra Lee, because she's obviously sort of mentally disadvantaged but has nice tits. But how could you, a responsible producer of a televised cooking program, let... whatever this is... come out of the oven?
Rachael Ray's Rouladen

1 package dumpling mix, (recommended: Panni brand) available on International Foods aisle
4 slices bacon...
Rouladen is a German specialty consisting of thinly-sliced beef wrapped around bacon, onions and pickles, then cooked. It's somewhat of an acquired taste (like a lot of German food), but that didn't stop Rachael Ray!
Her take on the rouladen has the most disgusting photograph I've ever seen in a food context. It honestly looks like something a small dog left on the floor. Just imagine lifting a bite of this slimy gray-brown meat to your mouth and despair.

Simply Sara's Taco Cups

It's not really fair to hold Simply Sara up to the standards of professional TV chefs, but considering her end goal is to take a place in those lofty ranks, she might want to step up her game a little bit.

Perhaps the worst recipe to ever be called "Mexican," these offensive minglings of beans, biscuits and mounds of cheese are not only unhealthy, but unappetizing as well.
Sandra Lee's Broccoli Pie
It might seem unfair to pick on Sandra Lee so much, but her food is just from such an alien hell dimension where up is down and left is right that each dish is worse than the last. This particularly egregious example takes broccoli, one of the best of the vegetables, and lards it up with cream cheese to make a "pie" that is an insult to the term.
The best thing is, since this recipe was posted she's actually made another broccoli pie, "improved" with... wait for it... ranch dressing. Oof.

   Bethenny Frankel's Boo Boo Banana Bread

If you're an avid watcher of reality TV, you might recognize the square-headed Bethenny Frankel from Bravo's horrid Real Housewives Of New York City, where she pals around with a number of similarly worthless Big Apple bimbos. But Bethenny has ambitions - she wants to be a food pioneer.

With recipes like this one, however, where she tells you to just go ahead and put whatever you want into her banana bread because actually writing down a recipe was too hard. She doesn't even tell you what temperature to cook it at!
Bobby Flay's Braciola

2 store bought braciola (skewered flank steak stuffed with bacon and parsley)
Olive oil


Preheat a grill to high. Brush braciola generously with olive oil and grill until steak is cooked to a medium doneness, turning skewers over halfway through cooking. Remove from grill and let rest for a couple minutes before serving.
Bobby Flay is kind of a tool, but at least he knows how to cook. Or does he? If you were going off of this recipe, you'd be correct in thinking that all he does is buy stuff from the store and throw it at some fire.
Paula Deen's Snow Ice Cream

8 cups snow, or shaved ice
1 (14-ounce) can sweetened condensed milk
1 teaspoon vanilla extract


Place snow or shaved ice into a large bowl. Pour condensed milk over and add vanilla. Mix to combine. Serve immediately in bowls.
"Hey, y'all! Why don'cha goo outside, pick something up off the ground and feed it to your family!"
Jessica Cuff's Tobacco Cupcakes
So this may be seen as cheating, given that it was a dish that was cooked by a contestant on a Food TV game show and not a network-endorsed chef, but you know what: it's gross. When Jessica Cuff was challenged to make a cupcake that would impress Cake Boss star Duff Goldman, she decided to empty a pack of Malboros into her cake batter and present tobacco cupcakes.
The judges, naturally, were pretyt grossed out by the whole ordeal, but amazingly Cuff went on to win the episode!

                                    Paula Deen's Heart Attack Burger

It was inevitable that we would have to end with Paula Deen. No other human being makes nearly as much absolutely horrifying food as the Georgia-born purveyor of diabetic coma-inducing trash. This meal is the culmination of everything Deen - fat, sugar and bad taste in one sandwich. Enjoy!